Depression-The Silent Killer In The Midst

 

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An open letter to the world out there, if you can hear me…

“It’s cold in here. Time is moving slow, and I feel the seconds lash out like broken glass.
My thoughts are racing so fast in my mind. And my memories clash into each other, but only the worst surfaces up. And I live in those tormenting moments once more.

I’m plagued with anxiety and stress. That I cannot lie. I feel I cannot move, and if I move then I will definitely fall. The whirlwind of inexplicable silent pain whizzes around me.
I’m alone in this box of torture- calm torture, but it overwhelms me with excruciating pain. The answers to these existential questions lie unanswered. And I struggle to have hope, and be calm in the mind.

How often do I feel I can’t go on any longer? As if I’m running out of fuel that keeps me alive. Every moment is bitter than before, and my light flickers in the dark where all the air is sucked out. I dig deeper into my secret chambers of good memories, but it’s too deep and I don’t have the strength to dive in so deep.
How often do I feel there is no way out of this suffering I’m living in.

It’s really cold in here. Time is moving slow, and I feel the walls pushing unto me; suffocating the hell out of me. These walls that I believed would keep safe from the outside world are now coming unto me with rage. And I’m so afraid that I can’t think straight. I’m afraid I won’t make it to another day of this suffering.
There is pressure to let go and close my eyes into the monstrous darkness, and let it consume my soul, and wash away, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that it will be more painful.

I look into the mirror and I see a broken heart, suffering with guilt and blame. My face has wrinkled and my eyes are empty. My lips are dry and there is no light left in me. My heart beats to no rhythm. And my soul trembles with fear.

I’m scared out of my wits as unwanted thoughts race in my mind with vengeance. At times it is chaos that consumes me, but until it expels all that pent up within it and quiets down on its own, I once again experience dead silence which is far worse. Not a single spec of hope, not a single whisper from the sky, and in this moment it even seems that everything around me has disappeared entirely.
I’m in an empty world, and I exist alone, amassing the entire pain that was meant for other souls.

Things I so hate, blame and that hurt me so bad, liven up, and I alone stand in this little box of mine, scorched up with all the pain, my face wedged in the sky. It’s like woe runs on open taps that fill the little box with infernal pain; and I so drown in it.

It’s as if the sun rang and exploded above, flooding my mind with fire. Pain, guilt, suffering, blame, raging in the fire. And I alone is left to be consumed. Sometimes I want to scream out loud for help, but I don’t know how. Because it sure feels the world out there is far away and I have been left behind in this little box of solitude pain.

Sometimes I wonder why I continue living and trudging on in this path of darkness. Why shouldn’t I end it quickly?

In my prime wander much by chance, sinking in irresolute times, I feel the happiness I docked in my harbour has escaped. I’m now left alone, toying with dark thoughts of death fearlessly; my mind taking me to absurd levels of darkness.

Suffering is like a virus. It eats away the light in you, going for the weakest point without any mercy or decency, and breaking you bit by bit. Sometimes I tend to question if I should declare at what point that my life should end. And I know, it’s being impatient, ingratitude of me, and lack of courage.

But tell me, suicide is a philosophical problem and it amounts to confessing that life is too much for you or that you do not understand it. To hell with it! It is too much for me and I too don’t understand it!

How much should I hold on to this void full of uncertainties and suffering!?!

Sometimes I look out in the sea, and I wish the waves wrap me in its cold arms and wash away with me forever. And take me away from this pain.”

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How often do we feel we are all alone, and the world we knew has left us behind to solitude severe pain.

Learning how to cope with depression is one of the most challenging tasks that we humans face. Of course, you are filled with pain, while also bombarded with guilt. And all these mixed feelings of anger and suffering are coupled with some actions that put us in bad shape- of self-torture and attempt suicide.

In reality, however, is us, humans, are fragile and prone to pain. But when we rise up from that perpetual state of pain and suffering, we get to view life as an arena, and ourselves as fighters. For sure we are; fighting for peace and greatness. And those things don’t come easy if your mind isn’t capable of harbouring positive thoughts that always propel positive actions.

Practicing mindfulness, gratitude, and contentment is very essential in living this modern life- prone to pain and suffering. Appreciating your life and other people is very crucial in having positive thoughts. Accepting that we are fragile, and not just to begin from there, but to actually base your growth in the fact that it only takes strength, determination and love.

We should learn to talk about the experiences that hunt us down like an assassin, and which we struggle with as humans. When we keep them to ourselves, the issues pile up mentally and will definitely get out of hand. This I know, it is hard to banish negative thinking consumed with so much pain within ourselves. But you will need to substitute negative thoughts with more positive perspectives of how life can be bad, but also good when you embrace it well.

Speaking out from that point of exhaustion and suffering gives you relief. Because trust me, when you are depressed and hurt, or you feel as though you are alone, you feel like the sky, together with the stars and the moon and the sun are falling down on you. You feel as there is no point in fighting, believing and clinging to hope. You feel as though you are a bad code, and that it should be erased.

You have to stop accumulating those thoughts in your head. Everyone is going through hell in some way. You are not the only one, even if it feels like so.

― Regina Brett,
“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.”

And she also said,

“No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.”

Open up. Go out in the world. Go in the open air and do something constructive. Occupy your mind with gratefulness, appreciate nature and beauty of life- even that’s left of it. Fill your lungs with fresh air. Open your arms wide and take long, refreshing walks and witness the beauty of infinite possibilities lying across the world. Talk to people and tell them of your ideas- of how you would wish to change your life, and perhaps the world.

Write about it, sing about it and create something about it, or out of it. More importantly, see yourself and the world with a positive perceptive- that everything you go through; be it pain, suffering, depression, is all for a wondrous goal, that if you believe in a far better person than being of all suffering, then you embrace every moment and rise up as it were a passage of the future. Because it is.

The beauty of your being is feeling your meat, not your skeleton. It is embracing, not overwhelming. Each of us is writing a book, don’t let yours consist of the same darkness defining every chapter. Light up!

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15 thoughts on “Depression-The Silent Killer In The Midst

  1. Beyond glorious! ❤️

    Having lost someone to suicide and knowing the emptiness and pain it leaves behind! The questions that can never be answered!

    To think we continue to lose 22 Veterans a day!
    The madness needs to stop!

    Thank you for this heartfelt share!

    ☀️❤️☀️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We go through so much metal pain and it becomes hard for us to believe that there is peace left for us, especially when we blame ourselves entirely. I’m really glad that you read it and resonate with me. It does mean much to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. We are never alone! Even when our core belief and mind tells us we are! It’s asking for help that is The hardest first step, or is it realizing you need to or actually can ask for help? Whichever it is! Each step no matter how seemingly tiny is still progress! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for your comment. Its true, the first step of reaching out is always the hardest. It seems pointless and most times we think that people wont care and wont listen, because we keep thinking that they will say that we are lashing out on ourselves and being so sensitive to manageable issues.
      Either way, the only way to get out of that solitude dark hole is to climb out, and when you feel you need so much strength, yet you are feeble, call out for help, and someone will surely throw a rope down that hole and pull you up.
      Because they will understand how much pain you feel, and how you yearn for the peace.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It sure helps. Because we are not that different. And the common ground that we all humans have is the imperfections within us, the fragile hearts that always seek love and affection- but also get hurt and broken when they have found none or hit hard with betrayal.
      We are all connected with our vulnerabilities. Even in so much pain and suffereing, there is always someone out there feeling the same way, or even much worse.
      Thank you for reading and your motivating feedback. I reaaly do appreciate.

      Like

  3. hi Roy. Right now Im going thru a lot of hurting because I think the guy I’ve loved for over a year is a scammer. I believe in giving my worries over to God. I don’t think He will solve them and believe He gave me a brain to help me in life,but still iIlook to Him and just knowing there is this energy force of love is a comfort to me. I think I met this guy on facebook for both our learning. I am steadfast about trying to get him to see his soul purpose . I love him without recourse not knowing why. What hurts is he is my first and my last love and i know the reality of having cancer and being old as well., and I’ll probably never see him. but i don’t get wiggy nor suicidal because I have a higher state of consciousness with me.thank you for writing this article so uplifting to us all.xoxo Marie Hughes

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your personal story. I know it must have been hard, making the decision to move on and believe that God puts challenges meant to nourish and teach us. I believe many people out there have gone through the same ordeal and they will definitely be inspired through your words. Thank you for sharing and being strong. Be blessed Marie.

      Like

    2. roy i think you reply message sounds like rote,… if you had bothered to read it you would have noted i have not moved on from him nor love. im really disappointed in you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Im sorry i misunderstood your comment. I thought you said he was your last. Anyway, its good that you still believe in love. Its the ultimate form of joy.
        im really sorry for the misunderstanding. Have a nice time

        Like

  4. Two things in life that I think helps a lot is owning up and family. We often blame the world for all our sufferings and torture ourselves with thoughts that make us look like a victims. Owning up is not just owning up to our mistakes but also taking charge of life. And secondly and most importantly, never cut your family out. They may point out your mistakes, you may think they don’t understand you but nevertheless they’ll always stand by you and try to help you. I thought my parents won’t understand how I feel but in times when I feel all anxious, one talk with my parents acts like a magic potion to all worries.
    Great write up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Now this is the most inspiring, truthful, and heartwarming message i have read. I love it. Owning up to our mistakes doesn’t define us that our imperfections are our downfall, but rather us being at peace with it makes everything seem so much easier.
      And yes, family. Blood has always been thicker than water. Family is always there for us.

      Thank you very much Lavanya for sharing your message. We all need it, so much.

      Liked by 1 person

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