Don’t you look at your life right now and just wonder how your life could have been if you had just made a different decision at a certain point in your life?
I know….don’t dwell in the past, blah blah blah…but I’m actually thinking about it right now, a lot.
I’m seated as I write this, and there are people around me. Lots of people. And I just can’t help it.
All memories seem to have been set free and they fall like the rain down in Africa; with rage.
I keep thinking, and wondering, and pondering.
I admit, regret is in the air, and I seem to inhale it and it flows in my veins.
There was this moment in my life I had a chance to bring change into my life, but I just sat in the back seat and just let it slide.
Not that it’s just that one moment, of course there were many. But you see, everyone has that one moment they think it really got them where they are right now.
And mine was back at 2010.
I was young and dumb ( I would say broke too, but at that period money didn’t matter then).
Forgive me I won’t go further into details, but of course it has to do with love.
But you know what? It’s funny how it’s only later when we understand if only we had only said something, or said more, or waited a little bit longer, things would be insanely different right now.
I think sometimes we think people are so demanding of us. And that we spend so much effort just to make them like us.
And the funny thing is that we like them too, and it’s so much that we go ahead and make them feel good because apparently doing that makes us feel good too.
I can’t blame them though, some people just want more to be certain. They just wanna see you cry and stand by the rain as you wait for them, pleading with them over and over again.
They just wanna know how persistent you are and how far you are willing to go for them if you genuinely like them.
Think of it as their bargaining chip.
See, everyone has their own story. Everyone has a reason as to why they behave the way they do. Some it’s fear, and they just want to be careful with their feeble hearts because they know how a broken heart hurts, and how it is so hard to heal.
Because we say healing takes time, but that time could be years.
Some people don’t just let go swiftly because when they chose to fully give in they opened their bare hearts, and unfortunately when it was broken it was so devastating that they lost their spark.
And there is nothing to get over than losing the spark in your heart…
So yeah, my life would have been different if I had just said more and just said it loud enough.
In all honesty, I was scared, not because my heart was broken before, but because I was afraid it might be in pieces in the future.
I wasn’t ready. At least that’s my excuse. I wasn’t ready.
But thinking about it right now, it was so dumb of me. It made me become someone who hates commitments just because he is scared of the worst that could happen.
I mean I had seen people crying their eyes out just because they believed that the love they had for their loved ones could conquer all.
I mean, I don’t know how to process this- that my life could be different right now- but who am I to be so certain that it could be different for sure?
I mean there is probably a thousand outcomes that could have resulted from both the choice I made and that which I did not make.
But the fact remains that my life right now doesn’t entirely trace back to that particular decision I did not make, or that which I chose instead.
There was probably another choice after that particular choice (which I somehow feel obliged to regret) that could have completely changed my life.
And there is probably another that could have impacted my life differently.
Hell even right now, I can just make a choice and my life would be completely different come ten years into the future.
The choice might feel ineffective right now, but I’m old enough to know that it’s all one interconnected chain of choices and their consequences, and in the consequences you just have to make more choices.
And the cycle continues.
Let me put this way: life is all about action and reaction. You act, and then you get the results, and then you react to them. It’s continuous. Non stop.
Sometimes it’s boring, tormenting, and sometimes it’s magical, and you are compelled to believe in yourself.
Either way, it doesn’t stop until death rids you of that burden. You will just keep on making choices based on the choices you already made and the lessons you learned from their consequences.
So I guess that begs me to answer this question: will I continue to wonder how my life could have been if I had made another choice, or just go ahead and make a damn choice that I believe would bring me to a life that I really want and be proud of myself?