There are things we know by heart. Things that are so heavy to carry, and sometimes we try so hard to ignore them….
We pretend we are not aware of their existence; we look deeper when all we have to do is just look what is afloat; we ask questions just to escape the reality of what we know we can’t accept.
Sometimes I think this is the curse we have to live with: awareness. Of course we are aware, but we choose not to be.
I must confess sometimes its fun pretending not to be aware, and sometimes it’s a way of protecting ourselves from what we think is the harsh truth and therefore we tell lies to ourselves to keep us warm.
There are things I know by heart. And I have come to know them because I have lived through them with their consequences- that I still live with.
There is this aspect of companionship and relationship, which we could deny all we want, but sometimes it invokes pressure of being in one and it becomes so excruciating at some point.
I have being single for a very long time. I have been single enough to testify that most times it has to do pressure that is out there. Because I have tried not to be single and failed many times.
Of course I’ll play “it’s-me” card, coz sure hell is me.
Most people won’t get this, but I have always felt like I’m destined to be alone. I know it sure sounds depressing, but I have fought this thought for a very long time and every moment I am proved otherwise.
Being alone, and this means not being emotionally attached in what we call boyfriend and girlfriend, has always been something that fuels me. And this reality has somehow, if not completely led me to be who I am today.
I mean, I don’t know for sure, but from what I have gone through all my life, and how I tend to view the world, I can say that being alone has indeed crafted me to be someone who I am proud of.
Honestly, I’m three quarters celibate. On one hand I have feelings, and on the other one, that is sometimes, I brush them off, or rather channel that sensation and rage and use it to create something.
I have come to know that I cannot handle attachments, or play the boyfriend role, or just trying to be romantic so that someone can do the same to me, because that part of me is somehow corrupted.
Even so, sometimes I try to prove myself wrong, and I make moves, but it often leads me to settle on the fact that I can’t tolerate relationships.
This is something I know by heart. Of course most people won’t get it, but I believe there are things we know by heart, and sometimes we are too stubborn to accept because the external pressure from the world, the media and our friends seem to overpower us.
For the longest time I have waged war unto myself. And I was forced to think that maybe I wasn’t lucky, but looking at all the things I have accomplished, I think I am lucky.
I know life could be different, but I guess it’s what I am aiming for that dictates this journey of solitude- which also includes some supportive friends.
I also know the future sometimes wavers, and many possibilities are yet to unfold, and that I cannot completely say ‘never’, because I am yet to be challenged by the same things I claim I know by heart.
Be that as it may, this present moment is what all of us should try to figure out what we think we know about ourselves by heart.