COUNTING NUMBERS WITH FEELINGS

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Sometimes I look back in time just to see how much I have changed- which always leaves me surprised. I was just a boy back then, so full of life and so overwhelmed with fantasies while undeterred that nothing could possibly go wrong in the world I lived in.

But time flies and before you know it you’re already grown up, and you either have the weight of the world on your shoulder, or there is just that intense rage asking you to climb all the way to the top of the world.

In this particular moment, as I write this, I am worried. Scared is the right word. The world out there scares me as hell. At times I have believed it-fear- to be a defense mechanism to keep me in check, but this time I can’t really tell. It’s so intense and it rises from my belly all the way up. It unsettles me.
I have lost my light and I feel my inner self coiling up in anguish of self identity.

But that is just the pressure which comes with age, I guess.

I am still in my twenties. Yeah, I know, my age says I am just naive. I mean you’re probably thinking what could possibly worry me that could spiral me out of control in deep thought and worry while still in my twenties? I mean there is so much I could live for with all the youth and strength and freedom, like I’m on my twenties, right?

But that’s it, the fact that there is so much to live for, that’s enough to spiral you out of control. Why do you think most youths go through depression, or even suicide?

I am not going to throw rants about how the society is so flawed blah blah blah, and how much pressure comes from the people who look upto us.

But I’ll say this, it’s really hard to belong, and also not to belong.
Because:

1) you need to have desired qualities for you to belong in a certain group, and

2) you need to have your own voice if you wish not to belong- and it should be firm, it should be fulfilling, lest be forced to want to belong.

In the beginning of this year I officially dived into making music which I am still learning by the way. What really worries me right now is the fact that I can’t tell if I am a writer who makes music, or rather I am making music and saying bye bye to writing ( because for the most part in these previous months I have failed to deliver effectively as a writer).

I believe many people go through this. I believe it comes a times when two hobbies or priorities or two choices collide and we can’t really find our voice to define us then.
I mean that is the way of life; you have to uniquely define yourself, and deliver your firm voice to the world with unflinching commitment. What this statement doesn’t say is that priorities change at some point- sometimes because the world changed too- and we are forced to face the world with what we choose to stand with (it could be with our own priority, or what life dishes out to us).

Anyway, I believe we even don’t have to define ourselves. There may be pressure from within and outside, but if you think of it carefully, you’ll realise that your priorities alone define you. This means that you don’t go ahead and tell people who you are, but your choices and priorities say so, loud and clear.

Sometimes, as a way of coping, I adopt the “I-don’t-care” attitude, and just wait for whatever happens and face it that way, whichever way. Thing is, I hate it when I have to prove myself to people of my worthiness, better yet to myself.
It usually eats me alive, I end up forcing an attitude down my throat just to feel okay.

Life is one hell of a mystery, people too. Then there is age brackets, peers, parents and our own dreams, and the real life (that really has to do with employment, money and success)- all which consume us, while for the most part we can’t help ourselves. It’s a nasty tug of war.

Sometimes all we have to do is just not seek to identify ourselves. Let’s just do what we do and make choices aiming at fulfillment, and have faith that it’s all we need to do. Regarding the matter of self identity, I think it’s just what you feel, and when you etch what you feel in what you do, it will definitely define you.
I guess that’s all I need to do: feel and do.

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